In Moderation

It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely.

And I am.

I just got back from being on a party bus. So I am fairly drunk. Not happy.

I miss Jess more than ever right now. I have no one to hold on to. No one to tell me it will be ok. The last few days have been a blur. Wednesday night I drank a bottle and a half of wine. I spewed up at 4 a.m. and my nose started bleeding. It didn't stop for about half an hour. I am losing touch with the physical world. (Granted; I am very drunk right now so most of this doesn't really actually apply but hey fuck it).

I am in a totally new state of being. It needs grounding. Structure. Release. Jess.

I didn't think it would get this bad. It's been at least a month and a half since I've seen her. It's going to be about a month 'til I se her again.

I fall asleep holding a photo of her.

I am not kidding.



Gotta get myself together, I've been good but I can be better...

Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

Here it comes again. A night out. Slightly numb from free booze. Free booze; the best kind. Saturday was a very interesting day for me. Everything that happened was to my advantage. For example, (a very nerdy example, granted, but still very valid), my internat is running at higher speeds than usual. At the start of a month, after the usage has reseted itself, my internet connection runs at high speed until I have reached the ten gigabyte usage limit. It then slows itself down to 64 kilobit per second (it runs at half this at the best of times). Somehow, in the middle of the month, the internet has decided to run at high speed again, averaging at 240 kilobit per second, maxing out at 1.2 meg per second. This usually doesn't happen til the first of the month. I'm not complaining though. This rules. Another cool thing; I've have a great chat to Kathryn Anderson, my best friend from high school. I haven't spoken to her in about two years and I think it's pretty cool that we can just go back to talking to each other like we haven't stopped speaking. Another thing that is cool about today is that I have been invited onto a party bus for this friday. 4 clubs, 7 hours, 40 people, craziness! I cannot physically wait! I am buzzing! Maybe because I've had a few tonight, but still buzzing.

Tonight.

Tonight I am the happiest I've been in about a week. Not sure why. Just am. The only thing wrong is that I haven't seen Kat (My Kat, Kat O'Donnell) in about a week. I miss her! I've messaged her a couple of times but I know she doesn't have credit. That's ok :) I know she has been spending a bit of time with Chris, which I am all for! I think he is awesome. I just hope Kat and I can find some time this week to hang out.

Another thing getting me down slightly it the amount of physical space in between me and my Jessica. About 4000 kilometres. That sucks. I spoke to her on the phone for 83 minutes on thursday night. She stayed up to 4 am American time just to speak to me. If that's not love I don't know what is. I miss her so much! When she returns on the 22nd of August I am going to steal her away for about a week. I think I deserve it!

I am all over the place right now.

At the end of the party tonight I had about 6 or 7 drinks. Just enough to get me fuzzy.

Yeah.

I could go a kebab right now.

Or some nachos.

Ah nachos.

Nachos hold the key to life itself.

I am not an effect of a time paradox.

Fingers grow tired as Jacob's Creek merlot fills the veins. Yet again I am partying tonight. It has become a weekly ritual. 9 p.m. on a wednesday; go to the Harp. The Harp of Erin on High St. Kew. Nice place. All types of people there. People you meet once and are friends for life with and some who... well, lets says they aren't dark alley material. Deon for one. Threatening ladies for one. Being a big greasy wog for two. Three strikes and your out they say? Well, thirdly, he thinks he rules the place. Wanker.

In other news; I just convinced my mum (without showing her) that I have a cock piercing. This is very very funny I think. Hilarious. Those of you who know me know that I don't like pain, let alone pay for it! She is the word gullible summed up in one human form.

I have finished my wine and I am feeling quite jolly. I will be drinking rather a lot tonight. Which reminds me. I'm slightly worried, subconciously (which is at a forefront right now) about my Jessica. Obviously she is in America. This makes me feel... crappy of sorts. In the past I've gone maybe no more than three days without touching her, let alone seeing her. It has now been just a bit over a month without physical contact. I am losing my mind. Days and nights are welding into a continuous sense of weirdness. Complacentcy (I think that's how you spell it) sets in when I'm at work but afterwards I find myself driving around with nowhere to go. Not particularly cool.

Damnit.

The world is blurry and I don't deserve it.

I have to go.

Another night calls out, loud as a bomb, into the calm.

I lie awake at night waiting for her call. I stare at countless infomercials and tv evangelists. I think of things to tell her. I cry myself to sleep. I finish reading another novel. Every night the same. 2 nights go by without hearing her voice. I dream of holding her. A face so real but unable to touch. 2 a.m. the phone rings... and I know it's worth it :)

Cold.

Only my fingers really.

Watching some show about an aboriginal gay pride march in the N.T.

Had my first sales meeting tonight.

For those of you who don't know, I've joined Tupperware.

Mum doesn't approve. Oh well.

I miss the Jess.

It's been 24 days, 17 hours and 48 minutes since I last saw her.

It's going to be at least 49 days before I see her again.

Rowan Atkinson is everywhere.

Chicken doesn't fly if you cook it. In the same way a potato cannot write poetry if you take away it's magazines. I'm not sure where the actual bridge came from but Larry Emdur has something to do with the smell. As far as I can tell, yet with the other toast. One always needs an early key, perhaps with jam. You can always time it but don't bother taking clogs. I need more authentic Finnish bookmakers. Cards of green and happy sleep. Hmmm. Indeed.